Moving Away..
I wanted to be close, as close as I can be to you. It felt the safest, the happiest. Nobody tried to push me away but you. They all said I’m more of you than myself, all the more reason to stay close, closer. I went away a little, not just because I wanted to but because I had to, and I came back to you. I wanted to come back to you. I longed for it with wet eyes, just like you. I knew you grew restless, I knew you wanted those days, unlike others, to pass in a blink. I came back, we reunited, excitement filled my heart but not more than love. Noticed your greys and made the same joke, again, and we laughed harder, louder. I never left for another 2 years, until, a much-wanted experience knocked on my door. I was hesitant, more than before. Was it in fear of separation or was it in fear of rejection? Weren’t we soulmates? Weren’t we friends? I know no more, I feel that no more, I see that no more. The feeling was never mutual again. We grew apart. But did we realize? No. We didn’t want to. Ignorance over acceptance. Talking over listening. Arguments over conversations. We grew apart. We tried hugging, smiling, cheering, pretending but talking. Now came your fear. The fear that started the separation. The fear that caused the disconnection. The fear that led me to a new life. The fear that grew like thorns on you. They hurt me now, every time I tried to hug, every time I tried to come closer. I found light. They showed me light and a new colour. A colour you know, a colour you fear now but enjoyed as young. I wanted this. I need this. But you fear this. Hate appeared. The hate which I resisted the most. The hate which I tried to hide the most. The hate that I hate. Still I moved towards the light, the new colour (of life), to get rid of the hate. To at least, forget it. I moved away. I moved away to love you. I moved away to remember the past and have tears of joy and say “little things are all that matters”. I moved away to stay connected, or at least, find it. I moved to seek the restlessness in you but not the fear. The fear that held me in chains. The fear that dried my eyes. I wanted a new world, that is not inside the toilet. I wanted to talk on a stage that is not in front of my dressing-room mirror. I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to be me, more of me than more of you. I want them to see me, when they look at me. I want them to know my name, my identity. Not the identity they choose to see but what I show them. I want them to see me. So, I moved away to keep you close, for ME to love YOU. I can’t hate you anymore, I don’t want to grow apart, not any further. I’ve found home. I can’t let you in, but I want you to find it. I want you to see it and see me in it. I’m staying away from the thorns. But, can we stay closer from this distance?
